Who wants to get rich?

Everyone! And our intrepid editor now comes up with his personal business plan to get over the financial crisis

I have been called a cynic far too often for it to register as more than a light pinprick anymore. If I run into a stranger who has an overly enthusiastic welcome, I ask myself, “what does he want?” If perchance it’s a friend or acquaintance who puts on a similar show of effusiveness, the question changes to “how much does he want?”

So allow me to put right some long-time character afflictions by being the opposite of cynical where it comes to my chances of raking in the moolah. “Hah”, the better half would interject if she heard that – equally perhaps for the remoteness of the large sums of coinage as much as for the likelihood of me changing form.

I have decided, in my completely new avatar as the trusting man on the street to make myself rich in a year, give or take a few months. The plan is a masterstroke of genius and its simplicity is the underlying virtue. And if any one else out there intends to follow it, remember I get 10% of your profits too. And like the good old expert fund managers who we all love, I stay free of any guilt or association should you lose any money. Blame dame luck if you must…

What I intend to do is to use the great schemes being touted by the consumer banks to multiply my riches. I’ll scrape together my entire savings and put it first with one of the banks, preferably one that either will give me ten times my money or offer a bigger cash payout. You’ll see why I don’t chose the account that could get me a spanking new luxury car, or the one that gives me two, when you check out the direction in which resale prices of cars have gone.

Coming back to the plan, we take my seed money of a thousand Rials, which I have managed to beg, borrow and steal from under the watchful eyes of the honourable better half (largely from her wallet) and a month later I have multiplied it ten times over. Then I take my eleven grand, although now that I have given up being cynical I must admit that I use the term “my eleven grand” in a more inclusive manner, and plough the entire amount back either into the same account or switch to another bank that is offering large amounts at the draw.

Now that my chances of winning have gone up by a factor of ten, that should mean that another month or so and I should have another 30 or 50 thousand with me. Already I can see myself finally attaining my goal of retiring at 40, though I’ve already missed that target by a mile and a half. That shouldn’t put a dampener in the ‘new’ me, as long as I have the money, I can afford the hair dye to look younger.

I now take the whole amount and being raised on the principle of not keeping all my eggs in one basket, I then split my loot in between the banks. Now I really enjoy the best type of winnings. My chances of winning have gone up and the best thing is now, when I win the luxury car, I won’t need to rush out and sell it in order to get cash.

The way I see it is a year later, after parking my (sorry – our) money safely with the banks, I will be rolling in the proverbial pile of cash, with some free gifts, some credit cards and transportation thrown in.

Then when anyone approaches me, friend or stranger, I won’t be cynically asking questions that no one ever has the answer for – I will instead greet them with robust cheer,  a gleam in my eye and a spring in my step and tell them how to get themselves hitched to the money wagon. Of course if enough people take my advice then I will be enriching myself with the 10% clause that goes with my informing them about this great plan.

Now all that I need is for my luck to play its part and switch character too, from being completely uncaring about my monetary well-being to a golden angel. And then for the better half to allow me to actually get access to the money and spend it.

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